Hi Simin, this goes out to you if you still do ever come here.
Been thinking about you this whole day, no seriously. Ever since you what's app-ed me this morning. I know this sounds so weird and strangely les (haha it should be ironic since we proclaim we are together) but i miss you so much. miss how i can just randomly call you out and ask you for movies, miss how we just run at ecp, miss how you know me so well, even though we haven't talked in ages. miss how you can just sense that smth is wrong at training, miss how you know from my face that my day went bad. i miss our very very weird antics, and miss all the times we spent together.
when i was eating mushrooms today, i sorta thought of you... HAHA. oh well. things ain't going v well in some ways now... i think you know what i mean. but yeah, as always, i'll try my best to pull through. i know things aren't going that all well for you too, but please remain strong okay? keep happy and remain positive even if life gives you shit, coz that's how you'll emerge from the shit... cleaner. o.o very very bad analogy. but yea whatever you get my point. love you hope you feel better soon don't know when you will read this but i thought it'll be weird telling you to read it yet i wanna say it so bad.
so incoherent but yah think you will understand.
|8:23 AM|
the one thing i probably can't handle... helplessness. just standing there, seeing things crumble, seeing things evolve into the worse situation ever, but never being able to do anything. they say the mind is willing but the flesh is weak... what if the mind isn't strong in the first place?
life is a facade. however cliche it may sound and all, people keep putting up shows. i wonder for who. themselves? those around them, maybe? then we think, who gives a shit about what other people think? and we stop and ponder over that again and conclude, well, everybody gives a shit about what everyone else thinks. why do we have to go on and try and please others? why don't we live for ourselves? it's precisely because of the way the world is engineered. competition stimulates growth. and in the process, hatred, pain, hurt, jealousy, envy, unhappiness. live for yourself blahblah, bullshit.
i think maybe going to london is good after all. leaving all these behind. what lari said was right. escapism. it ain't a good thing. but looks like it ain't a bad thing after all. ha. need to break out of rituals. need to have a brand new start. change my perception of things. look from another perspective. and meet new people.
familiarity breeds contempt. i dare say it breeds fear. fear to not succeed again, to fall prey into what one thought one could so easily master. but then again that doesn't mean we cannot emerge victorious once again. it only takes time i suppose.
oh well. what an incoherent post. bye.
|12:23 AM|
I wonder who ever comes here except myself.
Pre-departure jitters! Less than 1 month. A lot of things to get done, not ready ttm. I've been very worried nowadays. About different things. But you make it so much better (:
taily.
|2:31 PM|
okay, so i took h3, econs, gp.
totally demoralising, h3 especially. went home yesterday and kept thinking about it, thinking about studying and what im doing with my life right now.
i haven't been sleeping well and didn't get a good nights sleep last night at all. i can wake up thinking about ATP, chemical reactions and how to perform a TAP tag. and it's so frequent, i wonder if i am actually sleeping or really doing work.
haha this really sucks. im craving alot alot of things, especially japanese food. oh well. next week is hardcore all the way. thanks for those who've been supporting me, simin and emelia especially.
need to change my mindset perhaps?
|11:52 AM|
i realised i was quite stupid a few months back. the days i spent wallowing in self-pity and thinking life is so bleak and telling myself that i suck and all. well, things haven't exactly changed, i mean i know i'm not all that great and things aren't that good either but i just haven't been thinking about it, and i guess it made my mind less heavy.
i felt that feeling again yesterday, the feeling that i'm so incompetent and i'm never gonna succeed in life. i'm gonna regret all i didn't do, and all i did do, and think why im not as capable as other people out there. cause i can be, right? but somehow along the way.. something messed up.
to be honest i feel happier without trainings. i miss my batchmates and all, but i think now i have the freedom to do things at my own pace and not worry about team, not worry about not playing, and not worry about speed or batting or throwing or catching and all that stuff. one less thing to worry about i guess. many more to tackle still.
|10:44 AM|